If you want something done slowly, expensively and possibly very well, you go to the British. While Britain created the immortal Spitfire, Lancaster and Edgley Optica, it also created a wealth of dangerous, disgraceful and diabolical designs. These are just ten plucked from a shortlist of thirty.  In defining ‘worst’- we’ve looked for one, or a combination, of the following: design flaws, conceptual mistakes, being extremely dangerous, being unpleasant to fly, or obsolete at the point of service entry (and the type must have entered service). Grab a cup of tea, and prepare for ire as you read about ten machines they wanted your dad, grandad or great grandad to fly to war.

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10. Blackburn Beverley

 

 

9. Supermarine Scimitar

Take an aircraft so dangerous that is statistically more likely than not to crash over a twelve year period- and arm it with a nuclear bomb. Prior to this, ensure one example crashes and kills its first Commanding Officer, in front of the press. There you have the Scimitar. Extremely maintenance heavy, an inferior fighter to the Sea Vixen and a worse bomber than the Buccaneer; the Scimitar was certainly not Joe Smith’s finest moment. It was the last FAA aircraft designed with an obsolete requirement to be able to make an unaccelerated carrier take-off, and as a result had to have a thicker and larger wing than would otherwise be required. Only once did a Scimitar ever make an unassisted take-off, with a very light fuel load and no stores, and then just to prove that it could be done

‘Vixen vapour rub’

The Royal Navy’s Sea Vixen fighters were death traps. 145 Sea Vixens were built, of these 37.93%.were lost over the type’s twelve-year operational life. More than half of the incidents were fatal. The Sea Vixen entered service in 1959 (despite a first flight eight years earlier), two years later than the US Navy’s Vought F-8 Crusader. The F-8 was more than twice as fast as the Sea Vixen, despite having 3,000Ibs less thrust. The development of the Sea Vixen had been glacial. The specification was issued in 1947, initially for an aircraft to serve both the FAA and the RAF. The DH.110 prototype first flew in 1951, and one crashed at the Farnborough the following year. This slowed down the project, which was then put on hold as the DH and the RN focused on the alternative DH.116 ‘Super Venom’. Once the project became prioritised again, it was substantially redesigned to fully navalise it. Then when the Royal Navy gave a firm commitment, it requested a radar with a bigger scanner and several other time-consuming modifications. All of which meant it arrived way too late- its peer, the F-8 remained in frontline service until 2000, its other contemporary, the F-4, remains in service today- the Sea Vixen retired in 1972. Fifty-one Royal Navy aircrew were killed flying the Sea Vixen.

4. Saro Lerwick

‘Fat boy swim’

Despite possessing a decidedly cuddly aesthetic the Lerwick was a killer, difficult to handle in the air or on the water and a miserable combat aircraft. Recommended to be scrapped in 1939, the Lerwicks were pressed into service due to the lack of any alternative and of 21 built, 11 were lost, 10 in accidents and one simply disappeared. Its main problems were the old chestnuts of lack of power coupled with an inexplicable lack of stability. The Lerwick could not be flown hands-off, a serious flaw for a long range patrol aircraft nor could it maintain height on one engine. It was prone to porpoising on landing and take off and possessed a vicious stall. Added to this structural concerns (the floats regularly broke off) and a woefully unreliable hydraulic system and it is amazing that the diminishing number of Lerwicks managed to remain in use until the end of 1942.

 

3. Blackburn Botha

‘Botharation’

 

Another great Blackburn design, the Botha was damned from a chronic lack of power. Its poor performance meant it was never to enter service in its primary role as a torpedo bomber. Had that been all it would have been nothing worse than an obscure mediocrity but Blackburn had cleverly made it extremely difficult to actually see out of the aircraft except dead ahead. This posed something of an issue for an aircraft now intended for reconnaissance and the Botha was supplanted by the Anson, which it had been supposed to replace. Passed to training units the Botha’s vicious handling traits conspired with its underpowered nature to produce a fantastic amount of accidents. Yet somehow it soldiered on until 1944 and a terrifying 580 were built.

 

2. Blackburn Roc

‘Death metal Roc’

The Roc was a fairly innocuous flying machine, however as an example of the wrong concept applied to the wrong airframe to produce a useless combat aircraft it is hard to beat. The ‘turret fighter’ that was so inexplicably popular in Britain just before the war was most memorably realised in the Boulton Paul Defiant, an extremely well-designed machine (considering) that did surprisingly well given that it had to lug around a draggy, heavy turret to no good purpose. The Roc by contrast was lumbered with a massively over-engineered airframe – a legacy of its being derived from a dive bomber – had a less powerful engine and was over 100 mph slower. How an aircraft that could not attain 200mph was expected to survive, let alone fight, in 1940 is one of the enduring mysteries of the early war period, as is the fact that its only confirmed ‘kill’ was a Ju 88, one of the world’s fastest bombers.

1. Blackburn ‘Twin Blackburn’ or ‘TB’

‘The conjoined flip-flop’

Apparently named after a disease, the TB was a bad aircraft that could not perform the one task it was designed for and thus set a precedent for many Blackburn designs to come. The Twin Blackburn nevertheless saw service for a year or so before it was finally put out of its misery and all nine examples were scrapped. Intended to destroy Zeppelins, the floatplane TB was supposed to climb above them and drop explosive Ranken darts on any insolent dirigibles foolish enough to approach its precious airspace. Unfortunately, the poor underpowered Twin Blackburn was unable to drag itself to airship operating altitude, even after its deadly cargo of explosive darts had been cut by two thirds. Furthermore the structure, which consisted of nothing more complicated than a couple of B.E.2 fuselages lashed together with a new set of wings and a vast amount of hope triumphing over experience, was not very rigid and the action of warping the wings flexed the poor TB so much it could end up turning in the opposite direction. The observer sat in one fuselage, the pilot in the other and communication was impossible except through waving, presumably to prevent either expressing to the other their true opinions of the designer of this radical machine. As if that were not enough, the wooden floats were mounted directly below the rotary engines. Rotaries drip out a lot of oil and as a result the TB’s floats would often catch fire. It would be nice to say that despite all this the TB inspired the fantastic Twin-Mustang but of course it didn’t.

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10 worst German aircraft here

“If you have any interest in aviation, you’ll be surprised, entertained and fascinated by Hush-Kit – the world’s best aviation blog”. Rowland White, author of the best-selling ‘Vulcan 607’

NOW AVAILABLE: The Hush-Kit Book of Warplanes, a gorgeous heavily illustrated – and often irreverent- coffee-table book covering the history of aviation 1914 – the present.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Have a look at 10 Best fighters of World War II , top WVR and BVR fighters of today, an interview with a Super Hornet pilot and a Pacifist’s Guide to Warplanes. Was the Spitfire overrated? Want something more bizarre? The Top Ten fictional aircraft is a fascinating read, as is The Strange Story and The Planet Satellite. The Fashion Versus Aircraft Camo is also a real cracker. Those interested in the Cold Way should read A pilot’s guide to flying and fighting in the Lightning. Those feeling less belligerent may enjoy A pilot’s farewell to the Airbus A340. Looking for something more humourous? Have a look at this F-35 satire and ‘Werner Herzog’s Guide to pusher bi-planes. In the mood for something more offensive? Try the NSFW 10 best looking American airplanes, or the same but for Canadians. 

The F-35 is at the forefront of avionics, but its slow gestation will mean others will harvest the research that led to this technology. Other than its claimed ‘stealth’, all of its key technologies will, if they prove effective, be integrated onto other aircraft. The technology race is an odd one, where neither pioneers or the military have an advantage. 

Never be the pioneer. The Eurofighter Typhoon pioneered voice control interface for fighter pilots and now, after spending millions achieving it, has a system way less advanced than the Siri on your iPhone. The large touch screen display which has cost a fortune to develop for the F-35 has also taken so long to develop that it is technologically behind the systems used by high-end graphic designers. The idea so beloved of Hollywood films that the military has secret technologies years ahead of consumers like you is not true. Military project contractors (at least in the US and Europe) make more money if their programmes run slowly, and they are also free to escalate the cost as they wish. Producers of high street merchandise still exist in a real state of free market capitalism and must produce things as quickly and economically as possible, and in many ways are light years ahead of the military.

Outside of this, there is also the situation regarding how pioneering technologies, despite what may be stated, are not tied to particular aircraft models. The F-35 is an interesting case in point, despite claims by Lockheed Martin that all rival fighters are obsolete – which of the F-35’s key technologies could not be added to conventional, and higher performance, airframes? Its innovative cockpit display? No, as the Gripen NG which is about to fly will have one as good. The situational awareness derived from its computing power? Moore’s law is seemingly unstoppable, so it seems unlikely that it would be difficult to equal or surpass this in a few years time (the fast jets with the greatest computing power are the latest iterations of the F-15) . Its radar stealth? This is its strongest card, but in most likely situations the carriage of cruise missiles by a conventional aircraft would create a similar level of survivability. The role of stealth in air-to-air combat remains a complete unknown, as no LO or stealth aircraft has ever fought in air-to-air combat. Working through the F-35’s shopping list of unique features reveals that the most of these aspects could be fitted to fourth generation platforms which have superior reliability, and therefore, sortie rates. The F-35’s much-vaunted lead in connectivity via datalinks will also be challenged rather soon by the Gripen NG.

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Top Ten Most Boring Aircraft in History! Werner Herzog’s guide to pusher aircraft,
A thoroughly disrespectful guide to the 10 most attractive Canadian aircraft , A thoroughly disrespectful guide to the 10 most attractive US aircraft A thoroughly disrespectful guide to the 10 most attractive US aircraft , Review of the Eurofighter magazine , F-35 overexposure , Review of the Eurofighter promo film, Review of the F-35 website

Follow my vapour trail on Twitter: @Hush_kit

You may also enjoy top WVR and BVR fighters of today, an interview with a Super Hornet pilot and a Pacifist’s Guide to Warplanes. Want something more bizarre? The Top Ten fictional aircraft is a fascinating read, as is The Strange Story of The Planet Satellite. Fashion Versus Aircraft Camo is also a real cracker. 

Follow my vapour trail on Twitter: @Hush_kit

Have a look at 10 Best fighters of World War II , top WVR and BVR fighters of today, an interview with a Super Hornet pilot and a Pacifist’s Guide to Warplanes. Was the Spitfire overrated? Want something more bizarre? The Top Ten fictional aircraft is a fascinating read, as is The Strange Story and The Planet Satellite. The Fashion Versus Aircraft Camo is also a real cracker. Those interested in the Cold Way should read A pilot’s guide to flying and fighting in the Lightning. Those feeling less belligerent may enjoy A pilot’s farewell to the Airbus A340. Looking for something more humourous? Have a look at this F-35 satire and ‘Werner Herzog’s Guide to pusher bi-planes. In the mood for something more offensive? Try the NSFW 10 best looking American airplanes, or the same but for Canadians. 

According to the dreadfully weighty Oxford English Dictionary a ‘cad’ is ‘a man who behaves dishonourably, especially towards a woman’ (though according to Gimlet’s Book of Cliches, ‘an introduction that starts with the dictionary definition of the subject is unacceptably lazy‘). Most cads in popular culture tend also to be upper class or at least feigning such a station. Of all the social types one might run into in polite society, the cad seems to be the most suited to personal aircraft ownership as he is the most likely to wish for a form of transport with the panache to impress a filly, require a speedy getaway from an enraged suitor, and to be personally unaware of the ludicrous vulgarity of such a conveyance. Here are some aeroplanes that are perfect for the kind of man that would leave a woman feeling like jumping in front of the King’s horse.

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de Havilland DH.88 Comet
“Black Magic”

If any aircraft were ever designed to sidle up to a lady and spirit her away to potentially dubious climes it would be the original de Havilland Comet. It is undeniably attractive in a flash kind of way, English, very fast for its time (it was a racer after all) and boasts that dreadfully important second seat. In real life of course it was quite successful, winning the 1934 MacRobertson England to Australia air race (no true cad would ever have had the fortitude or strength of character to undertake such a journey). One of the three Comets entered was flown by Amy Johnson and her husband Jim Mollison. Painted black with a gold cheat line and christened ‘Black Magic’, it looked fantastic – in a sleazily aristocratic kind of way. The arrogance of starting a company name with a lowercase letter is pretty caddish too, and has forced many an aviation writer into adopting a weird sentence construction.

 

 

Roe IV Triplane

 

“Blast!”
Terry-Thomas portrayed the definitive screen cad on many occasions, most appropriately for our purposes in the form of Sir Percy Ware-Armitage in the bizarre 1963 film ‘Those Magnificent Men in their Flying Machines’. His aircraft is a largely authentic replica (the engine is a 1930s Cirrus of considerably greater power) of the Roe IV triplane of 1910 and flies to this very day with the Shuttleworth collection. As the vehicle of a cad it is somewhat lacking in potential as it doesn’t even have a seat for a paramour and the somewhat exposed position for the pilot requires him to discard his Savile Row suit for rather more robust clothing. In the film it is outrun by a train, and with a quoted 45 mph top speed this is hardly surprising.

Hold on- an advert is about to interrupt your enjoyment: If you wish to read more humorous articles purporting to be about aviation you should waste time reading: Top Ten Most Boring Aircraft in History! Werner Herzog’s guide to pusher aircraft,
A thoroughly disrespectful guide to the 10 most attractive Canadian aircraft , A thoroughly disrespectful guide to the 10 most attractive US aircraft A thoroughly disrespectful guide to the 10 most attractive US aircraft , Review of the Eurofighter magazine , F-35 overexposure , Review of the Eurofighter promo film, Review of the F-35 website

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Heinkel He 111H-1 AW177

Myasishchev M-50 ‘Bounder’

“You sir, are a cad and a bounder!”
“No sir, I am a cad and I own a Bounder”
With its 1200 mph top speed, the most caddishly codenamed aircraft ever to fly would serve admirably to whisk any rake away from a sticky situation such as a furious husband or a prohibitively large bar tab. However the catastrophically huge number of roubles required to purchase an experimental supersonic nuclear bomber, let alone fill it with petrol, would seem to limit its potential suitability to all the but the wealthiest cad. Or, one supposes, a Soviet test-pilot cad.

AVE Mizar

“There’s a useful four letter word, and you’re full of it“

The Bond villain Scaramanga not only takes advantage of women but then shoots them if they displease him like the terrible cad he is. Scaramanga was gleefully played by Christopher Lee (who, oddly, was Ian Fleming’s cousin) in ‘The Man with the Golden Gun’ and at one point in the film gives Roger Moore’s Bond the slip in a car that converts into an aircraft. The car is an AMC Matador X which is notable for its appalling looks but, sadly, does not actually turn into an aeroplane – it was a model, flown at Bovington Camp in Dorset (home of the excellent Tank Museum) rather than Thailand where it’s supposed to be.

However this is not what was originally intended. Shortly before the film’s production began a man named Henry Smolinski had, perhaps misguidedly, wrenched the back engine and tail booms off a Cessna O-2, bolted them to a Ford Pinto and named the resulting vehicle the AVE Mizar. This car/plane hybrid had flown successfully a number of times and had piqued the interest of the film’s producers. Sadly for everyone, faulty welding of one of the wing struts resulted in the destruction of the Mizar in a crash, the death of Smolinski and his passenger, and the denial of its chance for cinematic fame as the getaway vehicle for one of cinema’s most deadly cads.

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Unknown German (?) aircraft

“Drat! Double drat and triple drat!”

As his attitude to both automobile racing regulations and the person of Penelope Pitstop made plain, Richard Milhous (‘Dick’) Dastardly was one of the worst cads imaginable. In the prequel(?) series to the Wacky Races, his remarkable obsession with a pigeon saw him take to the sky in a wide variety of unlikely aircraft, yet this is his standard machine and the one with which he will always be associated. It may have a manufacturer and model name but this appears to have been lost in the mists of time or maybe Hanna and Barbera couldn’t be bothered to make one up. This is hardly surprising given how little work they appear to have been bothered to undertake on animating and scripting their productions. Curiously, despite the herculean levels of effort he puts in, Dastardly never once manages to catch a pigeon nor win a Wacky race: not the greatest advert for those considering a career in caddishness.

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McDonnell Mercury capsule

“I’m talking about keeping our pants zipped and our wicks dry around here!“

Actually leaving the Earth’s atmosphere would seem to be taking escape from the consequences of one’s caddish behaviour to an extreme level. Yet it may have been a strong motivational factor for at least half of the six Mercury astronauts to actually fly into space. Whilst the pillar of morality John Glenn exhorted the others to keep their pants zipped it appears now that it did little good. Required in the name of propaganda to outwardly maintain Stepford-wife-levels of apparent marital bliss, in later years the wives of some of the original Mercury astronauts have revealed just what a collection of terrible bastards they were.

Flying the Phantom, British-style here

Alan Shepard, the first American in space, attended swingers parties and picked up a Mexican prostitute on a NASA trip to California just before the mission. Glenn had to persuade the press not to print pictures of this impressive indiscretion. Virgil ‘Gus’ Grissom, the second American in space had, according to his wife, ‘other girlfriends’. Gordon Cooper, the sixth American in space, had been dumped by his wife Trudy just before he was selected for astronaut training because he ‘was screwing another man’s wife‘. Realising that NASA required, for publicity’s sake, an apparently perfect marriage, he managed to persuade her to reunite with him for a few years.

They may have had the ‘right stuff’ for spaceflight but it seems they were the stuff of nightmares for NASA’s public relations department.

 

When the Wright Brothers first flew in 1903, little did they know that the descendants of their invention would be portrayed on arses, backs and calves around the world.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Have a look at 10 Best fighters of World War II , top WVR and BVR fighters of today, an interview with a Super Hornet pilot and a Pacifist’s Guide to Warplanes. Was the Spitfire overrated? Want something more bizarre? The Top Ten fictional aircraft is a fascinating read, as is The Strange Story and The Planet Satellite. The Fashion Versus Aircraft Camo is also a real cracker. Those interested in the Cold Way should read A pilot’s guide to flying and fighting in the Lightning. Those feeling less belligerent may enjoy A pilot’s farewell to the Airbus A340. Looking for something more humourous? Have a look at this F-35 satire and ‘Werner Herzog’s Guide to pusher bi-planes. In the mood for something more offensive? Try the NSFW 10 best looking American airplanes, or the same but for Canadians. 

Follow my vapour trail on Twitter: @Hush_kit

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Boredom is in the eye, or perhaps gall bladder, of the beholder. When I was growing up in Norfolk (my origin proving my credentials for this task) I thought that the pairs of A-10s that flew over every day were extremely dull. They were commonplace, quiet, and neither a super-exciting fast jet like a Jaguar nor something lovely and old like a Tiger Moth. Now I realise the A-10 is one of the most interesting military aircraft ever built and if one were to hove into view now I would run outside and stare at it until it went away. However, some aircraft are just so dull that no human anywhere could ever truly find the energy to run outside and look at them. Could they? Well, probably. But here’s some likely contenders for that accolade, if it were truly attainable. Ironically I have tried to make this list a bit more, well, interesting by selecting the most boring aircraft from various aspects of aviation history, otherwise the whole list would be Airbuses. And that would be boring. Now I’m boring myself.

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10. Curtiss P-40: Borehawk

Inherently military aircraft can’t help but be generally more interesting than civil ones and of military aircraft the fighter is obviously the most glamorous. The most intense period in the history of fighter aircraft is the Second World War, so selecting the most boring example from the most thrilling group of aircraft at the most exciting time for aircraft seems like a pointlessly difficult task but I believe I have achieved the definitive answer:
The Curtiss P-40 was neither particularly fast nor particularly manoeuvrable and it was not effective at high altitude. Its design was not unusual, unlike its fascinating contemporaries the P-38 and P-39, and it was itself a derivative of an earlier, rarer and more historically interesting aircraft, the Hawk 75. Subsequently, halfway through its production life it was heavily redesigned to become, seemingly, even more mediocre.
Some aircraft are interesting due to the nation that produced them (ie Italy) but no such luck for the Warhawk. It cannot be considered unusual due to rarity, the P-40 was produced in great numbers but on the other hand, not so great as many other fighters. In no theatre to which it was committed could it definitively be said to have been the best fighter available on one side or the other but generally comes out sort-of second or third best. Never totally outclassed though – that would have made it notable. Its long career (it was only retired by Brazil in the mid-fifties, which is edging into dangerously potentially interesting territory) was not so long as the Corsair or the Mustang, and was generally competent. The P-40 can claim no superlative nor was it found spectacularly wanting in any regard. It represents the greatest triumph of mediocrity during the war years. Perhaps not coincidentally it is one of my favourite aircraft.

9. Beriev Be-30/32: Soviet Yawnion

Has any other nation so consistently produced more interesting aircraft than the Soviet Union? Either because they were absolutely brilliant or because they were just so awful. Anyway, just to prove that aerial ennui is not the sole preserve of the Imperialist West here is the Beriev Be-30, an aircraft whose sole claim to fame is its limited production run (of eight, which makes it pretty successful by modern British standards ho ho). Looking a little like a genetically modified Twin Otter (how often have you heard that tired old line?) the Be-30 chugged around for a while competing unsuccessfully with the Let-410 and flirting with being mass-produced in Romania until it quietly died without anyone really noticing.

8. Schweizer X-26 Frigate: I feel the need, the need for a safe yaw/roll-coupling training platform

Research aircraft are usually spectacular and dangerous, sometimes awe-inspiring like the X-15 or less so like the Bristol 188, but invariably exciting right? Picture the scene: you are a hotshot US Naval aviator and you’ve just been assigned to the Naval Test Pilot’s School. Perhaps you’ll fly the new Super Crusader and mock dogfight with F-4s, or maybe you’ll get on the D-558 programme and fly several times the speed of sound at the edge of space, or maybe it’ll be something absurd and memorable like the Ryan Vertijet. Imagine your reaction therefore on being presented with the X-26A, a Schweizer Frigate glider which differs from the standard Schweizer SGS 2-32 glider mostly by having the word ‘Navy’ painted on the side. “It doesn’t even have an engine!” you manage to wail before being told to get out there and push the yaw/roll coupling envelope (slowly).

7. Vickers Varsity: It existed

Training aircraft are usually pretty dull and so are most airliners. The Varsity combined these two groups to singularly uninteresting effect whilst also managing to be an uninspiring development of a fairly boring military derivative of a not particularly interesting airliner. Try to think of something interesting about it. Go on.
Exactly.

How dare you consider clicking off this list of boring planes- if however you do, have a look at 10 Best fighters of World War II , top WVR and BVR fighters of today, an interview with a Super Hornet pilot and a Pacifist’s Guide to Warplanes. Was the Spitfire overrated? Want something more bizarre? The Top Ten fictional aircraft is a fascinating read, as is The Strange Story and The Planet Satellite. The Fashion Versus Aircraft Camo is also a real cracker. Those interested in the Cold Way should read A pilot’s guide to flying and fighting in the Lightning. Those feeling less belligerent may enjoy A pilot’s farewell to the Airbus A340. Looking for something more humourous? Have a look at this F-35 satire and ‘Werner Herzog’s Guide to pusher bi-planes. In the mood for something more offensive? Try the NSFW 10 best looking American airplanes, or the same but for Canadians. 

6. McDonnell Douglas F-15 Eagle : Filthy shades of Grey

(Note from Editor: Are we still using fifty shades jokes? Jesus)

…oh ok, how about ‘Bored of Prey‘?

I bet people will disagree with this one but the F-15 is by far the world’s most boring fast jet. For starters it comes from the world’s least interesting nation in terms of military aircraft production. It’s not old enough to be interesting like the F-4, nor is it new enough like the Typhoon. Its undeniable success is dull. A 100-0 ‘kill’ ratio isn’t interesting, it just reflects the fact that the USAF and Israel haven’t engaged anyone with a genuinely competitive air force since the F-15 entered service (or indeed for several years beforehand). For a brief moment in 2007, it looked like the F-15 might suddenly get interesting after one broke up in mid-air for no apparent reason (a la de Havilland Comet) leading to a worldwide grounding. As it turned out the fleet was fine and the ultimate reason for the midair failure was the most tepid one can possibly imagine: ‘a longeron did not meet specifications’. Gee. And it looks boring. The F-15 pioneered the oh-so-tedious ‘you can have any colour you like so long as it’s grey’ trend for air-superiority fighters that seems to be totally obligatory these days. Even so the F-15’s dullness remains, to me at least, inexplicable, it should be thrilling but it isn’t. F-14 and F-16: exciting.
F-15: capable. Yawn.

5. TSR.2: Tedious Speculative Rants (2)

See also Avro Arrow, Mirage 4000 and countless other ‘potential world beaters’.
The TSR2 was, in itself, an interesting aircraft, big, fast, advanced, and ultimately doomed. However no other aircraft (in the UK at least) has provoked such a tireless and seemingly infinite stream of invective and speculation. All that can be said with impunity was that the development of a promising British aircraft was cancelled. This act (which is, let’s face it, hardly unprecedented in the annals of British aviation) has resulted in literally millions of words in books and magazines and on forums and websites and blogs that go on and on and on and on and on. All of it saying basically the same thing over and over again. Thus an aircraft that should be a fascinating footnote of postwar British aviation has been damned by tedious angry bores (such as myself) and their tedious angry opinions (such as my own) to annoying tiresome ubiquity.

4. Robinson R66: Whirlybored

Robinson helicopters are cheap, commonplace and easy to identify, lumbered as they are with a big stick on top holding up the rotors like a rubbish flying unicorn. The only thing that makes them interesting is their reliance on piston engines in what is now an almost universally turboshaft driven field. Their relatively new R66 removes even that mildly non-soporific element by being a turboshaft powered update of the R44 and thus can justly lay claim to the title of dullest rotorcraft to date.

R66 pilots note: Happy to recant this in exchange for rides in your helicopter.

3. Piper PA-28: Private Plain

Familiarity breeds contempt. There’s thousands of these things flying around but if one went past would you be able to identify it? Of course not – mainly because you don’t care but also because it looks incredibly similar to a whole bunch of other small private aircraft. To add insult to injury and to encourage you to care even less, the basic PA-28 sometimes has retractable undercarriage fitted and occasionally a T-tail. If a small high-wing aircraft that looks like a Cessna 172 flies past, chances are it actually is one, what with the 172 being the most produced aircraft of all time (which is pretty spectacular). With the PA-28, well yes, it could indeed be a PA-28 but there’s at least a dozen other aircraft that look basically identical. The Piper gets the nod in the boring stakes by being the most commonplace of these. Also I’ve flown one and it made me feel ill.

2. Boeing 737: Malaisen Airlines

Any lingering glamour that airline flying can still command is daily being eroded by the Boeing 737. What is worse is that the ubiquity of the 737 and its concomitant dullness has started to spill over into other areas of life. Southwest Airlines of Dallas operate ‘no-frills’ services using solely Boeing 737s and is spectacularly successful. The so-called ‘Southwest model’ is currently rather popular in the business world and espouses making any given service as simple and uninteresting as possible so that it may be delivered at the lowest possible price for maximum return. The 737 is at the heart of this policy and key to its success. The Boeing 737 is, therefore, making all things in the world simpler and duller and more profitable and worse.

1. Airbus A320 (family): Born Toulouse

It’s a tight contest for the top spot but claiming the Beige medal is the fantastically mundane Airbus which just nudges the 737 into second place by dint of the fact that the 737 is the world’s most produced jet airliner (which could be considered interesting), and on account of the name ‘Airbus’ which was specifically chosen to remove any semblance of residual excitement that might be inherently retained by a flying machine. It is neither the most successful nor the largest nor the smallest nor the least successful nor the safest nor the most unsafe nor the fastest nor the loudest nor the quietest nor the longest-ranged twin jet airliner flying today.
The A320 pioneered the civil application of such dull technologies as fly-by-wire and the side stick controller, both of which serve to make piloting the aircraft less interesting and which have subsequently been adopted by other seemingly more exciting aircraft.
As thrilling as the European Economic Area that it so competently represents and serves, the A320 is a reassuring triumph of modern dullness in an increasingly interesting world and for that it should, perhaps, be discreetly celebrated.

Ed ‘Ennui’ Ward is currently lying on the kitchen floor looking at out of the patio window at a rain-sodden suburban lawn.

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If you enjoyed this I slapped a load of links about twenty centimetres above this. Alright I repeat them below too as I’m in a good mood:  10 Best fighters of World War II , top WVR and BVR fighters of today, an interview with a Super Hornet pilot and a Pacifist’s Guide to Warplanes. Was the Spitfire overrated? Want something more bizarre? The Top Ten fictional aircraft is a fascinating read, as is The Strange Story and The Planet Satellite. The Fashion Versus Aircraft Camo is also a real cracker. Those interested in the Cold Way should read A pilot’s guide to flying and fighting in the Lightning. Those feeling less belligerent may enjoy A pilot’s farewell to the Airbus A340. Looking for something more humourous? Have a look at this F-35 satire and ‘Werner Herzog’s Guide to pusher bi-planes. In the mood for something more offensive? Try the NSFW 10 best looking American airplanes, or the same but for Canadians. 

“If you have any interest in aviation, you’ll be surprised, entertained and fascinated by Hush-Kit – the world’s best aviation blog”. Rowland White, author of the best-selling ‘Vulcan 607’

I’ve selected the richest juiciest cuts of Hush-Kit, added a huge slab of new unpublished material, and with Unbound, I want to create a beautiful coffee-table book. Pre-order your copy now right here  

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From the cocaine, blood and flying scarves of World War One dogfighting to the dark arts of modern air combat, here is an enthralling ode to these brutally exciting killing machines.

The Hush-Kit Book of Warplanes is a beautifully designed, highly visual, collection of the best articles from the fascinating world of military aviation –hand-picked from the highly acclaimed Hush-kit online magazine (and mixed with a heavy punch of new exclusive material). It is packed with a feast of material, ranging from interviews with fighter pilots (including the English Electric Lightning, stealthy F-35B and Mach 3 MiG-25 ‘Foxbat’), to wicked satire, expert historical analysis, top 10s and all manner of things aeronautical, from the site described as:

“the thinking-man’s Top Gear… but for planes”.

The solid well-researched information about aeroplanes is brilliantly combined with an irreverent attitude and real insight into the dangerous romantic world of combat aircraft.

FEATURING

• • • • Interviews with pilots of the F-14 Tomcat, Mirage, Typhoon, MiG-25, MiG-27, English Electric Lighting, Harrier, F-15, B-52 and many more.
      • Engaging Top (and bottom) 10s including: Greatest fighter aircraft of World War II, Worst British aircraft, Worst Soviet aircraft and many more insanely specific ones.
      • Expert analysis of weapons, tactics and technology.
      • A look into art and culture’s love affair with the aeroplane.
      • Bizarre moments in aviation history.
      • Fascinating insights into exceptionally obscure warplanes.

The book will be a stunning object: an essential addition to the library of anyone with even a passing interest in the high-flying world of warplanes, and featuring first-rate photography and a wealth of new world-class illustrations.

Rewards levels include these packs of specially produced trump cards.

Pre-order your copy now right here  

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